The infamous RapeLay is a molestation simulation that allows you to terrorize a woman and her two teenage daughters. Events in RapeLay range from groping on a train to gang rape and forced abortions.
I have so many feels about this topic, as it’s one that people aren’t ever really taught properly. Basically I’ve been told that screaming “NO” and fighting back signals lack of consent, and every other form of behavior is seen as consent. This is a horrifying attitude.
So let’s break it down
- Your partner being intoxicated and mumbling “yes” or “sure” does not signal consent. If your partner has said to you before going out “I can’t wait to have stoned/drunk sex with you!” or something to that effect and they still say yes (not begrudgingly) when intoxicated then you can perhaps take it as genuine consent. If the decision was agreed to before they were intoxicated and this is still agreed upon once intoxicated then consent appears to still be there. HOWEVER if your partner expressed that they didn’t want to do anything sexual tonight before they were intoxicated or you two have never done the act that you’re about to do before then you need to seriously assess whether this is in their best interests. If they don’t appear to be interested or are distracted then you need to not go ahead. It’s much better to have a partner go to bed pissy and horny because you’ve said “I think we should wait” rather than assault your partner or perform sex acts without their true consent.
- If your partner is sleepy or falls asleep during any act, no matter the circumstances, YOU NEED TO STOP. Someone being asleep means that they can’t tell you what is and isn’t acceptable and you may cross their boundaries unintentionally. If they fall asleep or appear sleepy stop all sexual activity. They may just need a small nap before they’re completely alert and willing to give consent.
- If your partner checks out or appears far away while engaging in any sexual act, stop and ask if they’re alright. Don’t continue and ignore it. Your partner may have withdrawn consent or feel regretful but not know how to approach you about it.
- If your partner has said that they do not want to do a particular sex act before you began this particular sexual encounter DO NOT ask them during the act. I personally feel obligated to say yes during sexual activity and my response isn’t always what I’m truly comfortable with. Make sure if a non-aroused them stated what their boundaries are you don’t ask to cross them during the moment.
- Sometimes fantasy and reality aren’t the same thing. If you’re trying to enact a fantasy (especially with consensual non-consent/rape play/rough sex) you need to continue checking in with your partner. If it’s the first time I’m a huge believer in saying things like “Would it be alright if I choked you? How’s the pressure?”. It may kill the mood but from then on you know where your partners boundaries are. Make sure there’s a safe word so if you’re in character in future and their boundaries shift they can stop you before they’re harmed in any way.
- Discuss your sex life openly. In a non-sexual setting (having dinner, watching television, snuggling) talk about your sex life. What do you like? What don’t you like? What terminology do you enjoy during sex? It’s often a lot less threatening to hear about boundaries when the environment isn’t sexually charged.
- COERCION IS NOT CONSENT.
There is nothing sexier than consent. Having a non-consensual sexual experience can ruin ANY relationship, no matter how healthy. Having your boundaries crossed isn’t something that ever really leaves you, so be mindful of other people’s limitations.
“Listen, It does not matter what you say. As a woman, as a woman of color, as a woman of size, as a woman with large breasts or no breasts and a lifetime of experience with bucketloads of passion. It does not fucking matter.* Because unless there is a white guy backing you up, you are an angry bitch. Uppity, spirited, “that girl,” the femanazi, the super-libber, the PC chick, the conspiracy theorist… I just wish my own experiences were enough. That the experiences of fellow women were enough. But we must always come with backers. We must always have a few men nodding along behind us in the crowd. And at the very least if we’re going to be so bold as to bring up racism or sexism in polite company then we better be willing to quote reputable studies that have been widely recognized by the psychological and sociological communities. If we lack this armor we are just drama. Dramatic or… wait for it… psycho bitches who think everybody is out to rape them or thinks they must be, “Like, soooo attractive to be hit on so much and totally, probably, like, thinks like a victim.” This is so dangerous because I believe it teaches us not to trust our own judgments. Sadly, in this world, that can be life or death. When that guy hits on you for the third time at the club we should just get over it. He wasn’t being that creepy. “Oh no, girl, don’t talk to the bouncer about him, that’s just drama. Just have a good time.” I complained anyway but nothing was done. And hey, when he tries to attack you while leaving the club—which happened to me and a friend in June of this year—the police may ask you why you didn’t complain “more than once” to security. I shit you not. Because it is never good enough. It’s always a teachable moment from man to woman. So listen up, child, because that’s exactly what you are. At least until a white man comes to back up your claims. But I don’t have to tell you that. You already know. The trick is for this argument not to be dismissed outright by some dude in a Quicksilver t-shirt because the fact is, he has final say on the veracity of our claims.”
I seriously dislike these “male feminists” who only exist to undermine the experiences of women and sexism by crying out the they are “suffering” too. And that they are “equally oppressed” because of gender stereotypes etc. They want to absolve themselves of the responsibility to change by basically telling women to ‘get a grip’ and stop being so ‘illusory’/’hypersensitive’ that ‘sexism works both ways’ and that it’s our job to change and ‘protect ourselves’, not theirs.
It makes me ill to read their shit, but the reality is, there are so many of them, they really are not worth the energy.
All their arguments are predicated on the assumption that there is not such thing as patriarchy
that gender discrimination is not systematic or supported by government policy but is rather an individual idiosyncrasy
that every hurt and angry woman feminist is a misandrist.
There are also people who try to make the same argument for racism. White people suffer racism to same extent as black people etc. Forgetting that racism is system of prejudice + power.
Sexism is a system of gender prejudice + power. Take a hard look at the structure society and come to a conclusion about which gender holds social, political and economic power and then we can talk.
“Men who want to flirt with women have to realize: Women live in a state of continual vigilance about sexual safety. It’s like having a mild case of hay fever that never goes away. It’s not debilitating. You’re not weak. You’re not afraid. You just suck it up and get on with your life. It’s nothing that’s going to stop you from making discoveries, or climbing mountains, or falling in love. Sometimes you can almost forget about it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, subtly sucking your energy. You learn to avoid situations that make it worse and seek out conditions that make it better. If a female stranger is wary around you, it is not because she suspects you are a rapist, or that all men are rapists. It’s because a general level of circumspection is what vigilance requires. Don’t take it personally. If this frustrates you, try to remember that women are blamed for lapsed vigilance. If a woman does get raped, everyone rushes to see where she let her guard down. Was she drinking? Was she alone? Was she wearing a short skirt? Did she go to a strange man’s room for coffee at 4am? A woman must be seen to be vigilant as well as be vigilant. If she is deemed insufficiently vigilant, she will be at least partly blamed for any sexual violence that befalls her. If she’s regarded as downright reckless, that “evidence” can be used to completely exonerate her rapist. If it comes down to a he said/she said dispute over whether sex was consensual, as so many rape cases do, the dispute becomes a referendum on whether the woman seems like the sort of reckless person who would have sex with a stranger. If a woman does go back to a strange man’s hotel room at 4am, even if she only wants a coffee and conversation, she’s more or less given him the power to rape her. No jury is going to believe she went up there for anything but sex. So, don’t be surprised if a stranger reacts badly to that suggestion.”
I wish I didn’t need to reblog stuff like this. I wish people *got it*. But judging from the ridiculous response to these posts, stuff like this clearly still needs to be repeated.
I need feminism because the term “women logic” exists.
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